Intellectual Conversations

I came to realise that being an only child, I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life. That is just how i am.

You gradually get over the pain. It doesn’t go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he’s not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you’ve made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don’t see them, you don’t hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name… and the memories come flooding back.

Please help me stay on the straight path because I catch myself slipping. Please remind me over and over that this dunya is temporary and that out of the 6 billion people in this world there should be none that I should be trying to impress because the only one worth pleasing is you. Please protect me against shaytan. Please help my friends and I will try helping them by giving my knowledge about Islam. Please keep superficiality, materialism, ego/pride, backbiting, sex, and shallowness out of my mind, heart, and soul. I regret any moment of my life that has passed where I haven’t remembered you and I I’ll try my best from now on to not forget you. Ameen.

Do you ever stop and realize that people probably discuss you from time to time when you aren’t around to witness it

not even in a specifically positive or negative way just like

people mention you, or think of you, you occur to people sometimes

that’s the most unnerving thing that I can think of. that’s so weird that I exist to people when I’m not even interacting with them

A Child's Presence

Life. I wonder if anyone ever had those feelings where they just want to give up everything in life. Where nothing meant to you anymore. Feels as if you're not important or the people around you ain't important anymore. Just trying not to care or give a single fuck. Yeap. That's what I am definitely feeling now. I don't know what to even think of anymore. It have been such an emotional week.

And that is where Princess comes in. I realise, I do have something important to care about. Someone important. And also how important I am. My daughter. The one who makes me strong, enduring all the challenges and obstacle in this cruel world. I don't know what i'd do if i don't have a daughter. She is the only person who can make me smile. One can have a shitty day at work or school or just life with the people around you giving you lots of trouble, but the moment you look at your child, everything change. Automatically all those negative thought will disappear, That is how powerful a child presence is. Having a child changes one perspective point of view in life. Nothing matter except for your child. You for your child and ensuring they don't have to go through the same miserable life situation as yours.

I'm scared to tell anyone what i'm going through. I'm scared of telling them how i spend hours crying because i feel so alone, how i feel so lost and empty inside, how i no longer have any aspirations or see a future for myself, how their hurtful words eat ,e inside, how i hate myself for not having the courage to stand up for myself, how i can no longer feel emotions. I feel dead, i feel numb and bitter and dark on the inside. I don't want sympathy, i want your help. I'm scared you will judge me and ignore me and think. I'm mad and you'll leave me too. I'm afraid to tell you because it's engulfed me so much. I'm in this whirlpool of self-hate and depression which has sucked me in and prevents me from reaching out. It's stopping me from opening my mouth and telling anyone. So, please, help me because i don't want to carry on like this anymore.

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of wishing I could start all over. I’m tired of not being able to just let go. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of always wondering when I will finally let myself be happy. Most of all, I’m just tired of being tired.

Ya Allah,
You’ve seen me at my best and my worst. You’ve been beside me when I cried, laughed and screamed. You’ve witnessed my good and evil, my arrogance and humility. You’ve seen me at every single phase of my life and yet you still give me what I ask for. The words to thank you fail me, but I know You understand the gratitude that flows through me. When I bow my head to worship you, I bow my heart in thanks to you.

My life is like I’m jumping trains. Jumping trains is some how taking risks in my life. Losing people that I know aren’t worth it to be in my life. Standing up alone against all odd. Being bitchier than I ever thought I could be.

Train rides usually last for hours. Just like life, I have certain periods in my life. I change with what mistakes I do. I change not only learning I was wrong but also learning to make myself immune to the crap human nature can throw at you.

Human nature can kill you softly inside. School has been rather mean to me. Making me fall ill far too often. I miss breathing fresh air. I want my term break to come in a speed of lightning.

I want to go out and have fun. I want play paint, have Nerf wars, swimming, being by the beach, going Universal Studios (AGAIN), eating without a care in the world, sleep, people watch and just be in the sun for fresh air.

Life, please be back to normal as soon as possible. I pray to God everyday.

Having someone who will love you, who will make you stop crying with just one hug and someone who will be like a kid to play with you. It’s the best feeling after a fight. After having a silly love fight, one cries and one apologizes. For a few seconds, both of you are okay again. You’re happy again. You can tease each other like kids again. Love and relationship is just like that. You face problems, you might end up breaking each other’s hearts, but what’s important is that, you make efforts to make it last and you don’t allow time and fate to break up what you have cherished and took care off for a long time.

First Raya Haji with Princess

This year Hari Raya Haji is extra special since there's Little Princess. For the past 3years, i've been working during Raya Haji as i don't think it was such and important occasion compared to Raya Puasa. But now, with Little Princess around, every occasion is important. With the fact that only on this special day too that i get to go out and spent time with my family.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored

Love isn’t perfect. It isn’t a fairytale or a storybook and it doesn’t always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, and every second was worth it because you did it together. When you truly care for someone, you don’t look for faults. You don’t look for answers. You don’t look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes. You accept the faults and you overlook excuses. The measure of love is when you love without measure. There are rare chances that you’ll meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, don’t let it go. The chance may never come your way again.

The littlest things can ruin my day.

Whether it’s a text, words said by someone or just a simple view of something. The littlest things can alter my mood, so depending on the different things that happen during my day and the different people I encounter, my mood can change from happy to sad, sad to mad, mad to happy or any other emotions I might have within seconds. Sometimes I think if I cared a little less, my days would go by easier.

I will be with u no matter what,maybe i wont be physically there but i will be with u in ur heart.i promise we will go through all obstacles together and if u fell down while trying to get through the obstacle i will be there to pick u up and get u back on ur feet,cause thats what i am for,to be with u all the way:)

But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us

I wonder which is preferable, to walk around all your life swollen up with your own secrets until you burst from the pressure of them, or to have them sucked out of you, every paragraph, every sentence, every word of them, so at the end you’re depleted of all that was once as precious to you as hoarded gold, as close to you as your skin - everything that was of the deepest importance to you, everything that made you cringe and wish to conceal, everything that belonged to you alone - and must spend the rest of your days like an empty sack flapping in the wind, an empty sack branded with a bright fluorescent label so that everyone will know what sort of secrets used to be inside you?

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about. If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?

The most important things are the hardest to say

Maybe it’s because we don’t want to hear the outcome. Maybe we’re scared of receiving a bad response. Or simply because we don’t know how to say it. Where to begin, and how it’ll end.
Some things will always remain unsaid. Maybe it’s for the better, or maybe not. But we shall never know…

No One's Perfect Until You Love Them.

Before you’d see all their flaws, imperfections. But once you love them, you love everything about them. Their smile, their voice, their laugh. You see their flaws as what makes them the person they are, and you learn to accept it, and possibly even love it.

I want to tear myself from this place, from this reality, rise up like a cloud and float away, melt into this humid summer night and dissolve somewhere far, over the hills. But I am here, my legs blocks of concrete, my lungs empty of air, my throat burning. There will be no floating away

I will never understand why I ended up this way or what the reason was for. I'll never understand why this world is so fucked up and barely anyone cares. I'll never understand how people can say they love someone then leave them for someone else. I'll never understand a lot of things, like why people lie, cheat and steal. Why they are rude, mean, bithcy, horrible and inconsiderate. I'll never understand how pain never goes away. I'll never understand love or hate. I'll never understanf life.

Recently, i've found myself going to bed much earlier than i used to. Maybe it's due to work which is killing me right now. Maybe i'm just not used to working shift hours.

But this few days, i've been having nightmares and flashbacks. And i'll wake up crying myself out. I dont know why its happening to me. It really hurts and im scared. I dont know what todo. I hope i can have a good night rest and sleep today without the flashback come to haunt me.

" It's Okay "

I have the tendency to always say this when someone apologizes to me. Even when it's not okay, i still say it. Why? Because i don't want to push the situation further and further. I dont want to make it worst than it has to be. But you know what? It's not okay. What you did, it's not okay and i'm not going to pretend that it is anymore. I know that sometimes it's best to forgive and firget, but sometimes maybe it's best to just forget.

I just got accepted to work at Ibis Singapore at Bencoolen. It's my second career that's related to the Tourism and Hospitality industry. Previously i was working at Sentosa as a Guest Relation Officer. And now, i'm gg to work as a Guest Service Executive at Ibis Hotel. Im slowy trying to gain new experience in the sector that i like.
I might not be able to cntinue my Nitec Tourism at ITE, but at least i still get to work in the Tourism industry. At least education can be continue in the future no matter what my age is. ~ No matter how old you are, learning never stops. You'll always learn something new until the day you die.
So right now, i've decided to work and save up money first and continue my education later in the near future.

You can say whatever you want. But my daughter is my life, my light, my inspiratuon and my motivation. Its not that i want it to happen in the first place. I was force to and beaten up to do it. I never wanted it. But, i never regret having her born. And i'm never going to give her away.

I rather she knows her fathers dead then knowing how useless her father is. I rather be a single mom.

You people can look down and judge me in whatever way you like. But remember, i the one that is sinful, not my daughter. Its my fcking fault.

Its my life anyway, my decision. So please mind your own fcuking business people since you dont know the real story and the hell that i've to go through right now. Cause i dont think my situation really troubles you right? Fcuk you people.

Sometimes I just want to have some fun. I want to forget everything that makes me sad. I want someone to come over and just get me away from here. Bring me to somewhere nice like the beach, or a band concert.

Let’s drink ‘till we pass out. Let’s scream on the top of our lungs, let’s sing along with the band, raise our hands in the air and jump! Let’s not care about what anybody thinks. I just wanna have fun.

Everyone thinks I am so strong & so optimistic. Truth is, I am just as weak and terrified as them. I just know how to hide it better.

It’s late nights like this that are the worst. You stay up all night and can’t get yourself to fall asleep, so all you do is think. Think about everything. Everything that you have been through in your life. And as always, it’s mostly the bad things that stand out the most. You reminisce the good times you’ve had with people that no longer exist in your life. You think about how much happier you used to be and how everything was better before. It’s nights like this when you realize just how lonely you are, and how you wish that things would be alright for once.

I love to eat because food is comfy, it does sound weird that you can feel that way about food. I do not care about my weight till i see my favorite celebs having flat tummies and abs. I still love food but can i don’t gain weight?
I want long hair but i get bored with it so fast that i want my short hair again. You can guess very well that when i have short hair, i would want my long hair again. Society always say you are beautiful.
Let me rephrase to my liking. Society will think you are beautiful when you, yourself think you are. Confidence is a necessity in life to be deemed beautiful. I care too much about how i look, how much i weigh and even how i dress to remember that i am only 18.
18 is still young and i am suppose to enjoy the fact that i am alive and perfectly fit to enjoy the wonders in life. Yes, you can guess it again. My life is a nightmare. I am very insecure because i started wearing make up and dressing up at 13.
Yes, your looks may change as you get older and that i so have to agree. I do not look the same like how i did back in my secondary school days. In fact, i look better now, when i come to think of it. Well, my point here is just that i am ranting about my life. With the fact that this is my blog and i have the rights to say what i just feel.

Love is passion, obsession, something you cant live without. Fall head over heels, find someone who you can love like crazy that will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, forget your head and listen to your heart…the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this.

Here’s how I feel: People take one another for granted. Like, I’d just hang out with Ingrid in all these random places—in her room or at school or just on a sidewalk somewhere. And the whole time we’d tell eachother things, just say our thoughts outloud. Maybe that would have been boring to some people, but it was never boring to us. I never realized what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head. You just think that things will stay the way they are. You never look up, in a moment that feels like every other moment of your life, and think, “Soon this will be over.” But I understand more now. About how life works.

Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.

“But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us.”
— Paulo Coelho

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.”

—	Douglas Coupland

“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live…..the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.”

—	Alexandre Dumas

I’m the girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of. I’m the girl who tries to look pretty and it’s never good enough. I’m the girl who acts like she’s happy then goes home and wishes to be gone. I’m the girl who takes harsh words, act like they’re nothing, then goes home and cries. I’m the girl who tries to get her point across and could never find the right words. I’m the girl who has more depth to her than everyone thinks. I’m the girl who hides from the harsh eyes. I’m the girl who wouldn’t care if you gave me a shitty gift as long as you thought of me. I’m the girl who prays that someone will finally understand. I’m the girl who gets happy over the little things. I’m the girl that people misinterpret.

Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about. If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?

“Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions. Everyone, was given a beautiful vehicle in which to express love to others. Feelings are free to express and give to ourselves and each other through our willingness to give and care. What is complicated about this… Why have we made others feel they have to climb mountains and swim oceans in order to make a difference. All we need to understand my friends, is that human life was given equally to us all, not partially but in totality. The sun was given to all. It does not shine on the few. So, just has nature is indifferent to our station or situation, we need to know that we are all equal. We need to focus on the things that are constant and not place our values on things that can be blown away with the next, great, wind. Value life in what ever house it dwells. For when it comes time that we are all stripped to bare bones before the divine and facing eternity, we will understand that the only law we were meant to follow, was to love ourselves and each other. Nothing more…nothing less.”

—	Carla Jo Masterson

“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

—	Chuck Klosterman

First Day of Raya((=

I’ve learned a lot this year.. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. And I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you.

Because of past experiences, I now find it hard to trust people. If you want me to trust in you, you’re gonna have to prove to me that you’re worth it. Prove to me that you’re not the same as the others. Prove to me that you’ll actually stay. If I’m investing my trust in you, I’m giving you the power to break my heart; yet at the same time, trusting you not to. I hope you’d prove me wrong and show me that you genuinely care.

Went to meet Little princess today. Damn, she has grown alot in a week with the fact that shes going to a months old in a few days time. I really miss her much and getting to see her today was one of the most happiest moment especially with my busy schedule.

I went to Geylang after that with boyfriend Zainuddin to collect my raya clothes which was sent for alteration and also went to buy bofy raya clothes.
Raya is just a few days away and im so not looking for it. Im just not in the mood for raya this year with lots of stuff going on. But for Princess sake, im willing to do anything for her.

And lastly, im pissed off with Sweetheart Syukri today. I was waiting the whole day for his msg and finally i decided to msg him. And atlast, im the one being blame for not msging him. Grrr, why must it be my fault and always me be the one to msg him first? WTH. I dunnu what to think off abt our relationship anymore. I dunnu if its really working out. But one thing for sure, i do love him. Such a pain in the heart.

Today, i was late for school. I woke up at 9am instead of 6am, when i am actually suppose to reach school at 8am. With the fact that i have DTG retest at 10am.

I tried to call a cab but the line were busy. Damn fucked up and stress up i tell you. Decided to take the cab at Wdls mrt station. But instead the situation just got worst. The que for the cab was super long and only one taxi came evry 5 to 10mins. I panicked even more when the time was already 10.10am and im still waiting for a cab.

But then, a guy frm the same school was right infront of the que and was soo kind enough to actually let me share a cab with him. I resist at first but since he was from the school of business also and i was desperate to reach school asap, i decided to share a cab with him cause i dont think i cant wait any longer with the stupid long que.

After we had a few conversation, i got to know, he's Rahmat's cousin =.= wth. At least i knw we had a connection and was not a totally complete stranger. hahas. Damn, i soo owe him one. Especially with the fact he paid for the cab fees. Thanx bro where ever you are. Buat susah je.

“Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously.”

—	Tom Robbins

Babygirl is 1week old today. She's the best gift that God had given me. I've never been this happy since she came into my life. There might still be lots of challenges and obstacle thats comming, but im sure im gonna go through it strongly.

Life has never been easy, and it never will. But everything always happen for a reason. And i hope to have a great future with my little princess.

“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.”

— Arundhati Roy

"Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living."