Singapore Turns 51 Outing

Since it's Singapore 51st Birthday, we decided to be a little patriotic since the Puteri can't stop singing all the National Day songs that she had learned in school.

 We started out at Marina Square, buying the little princess a new croc which was more comfortable and lighter compared to her Frozen Heeleys.

Since this past month, the Princess is head over heels with Firetrucks, we decided to bring her over to the Civil Defence Heritage Gallery. Finally, week after week of wanting to visit the Museum, we finally manage to today.

Second pit stop was the Singapore Philatelic Museum which was just around the corner from the Civil Defence Heritage Gallery.

Our third pit stop was the Paranakkan Museum which was just across the road from the Singapore Philatelic Museum.

Fourth stop was the National Gallery Singapore. I think this was one of the best museum visited. From the kids gallery and playroom to the art gallery and also the parliament.

Finally, walked all the way to the linkway between Marina Bay Sands and Gardens By The Bay for our main objective which was the fireworks. Sadly, after all that long walk, the fireworks only lasted for about 3 minutes.

Solemnization Day. Officially Married.

My fingers are hovering over the keyboard and i’m just sitting here thinking, how do i begin to describe this day? 
The pressure I felt in the days leading up to my wedding were huge. The week leading up to the wedding was a mixed bag of emotions: excitement, nerves, laughs, occasional stress… but most of all a lot of love. Our friends and family literally made our wedding day. Everyone pulled in to help. 


The big day finally arrived after a long sleepless night. The makeup artist arrive at 10am and i was still extremely sleepy and tired. I was glad i had Shasha around as my bridesmaid. She was there with me 24hours, helping me run errands. It took my mua around 2hours just to get me ready. I swear i don't think i actually look pretty cause i'm that not that typical girly girl type who is head over heals with make up. Personally, i felt as if i look weird with make up on my face. I spent that whole 2 hours complaining as my mua tries her very best to make it fast yet beautiful. I am extremely glad i had chosen her especially with the amount of patience she had with me. I just couldn't get myself to sit still.
The groom finally arrived at 1.55pm. I swear, I only start to feel nervous when i was being told to sit outside. 
Nonetheless, I am glad that our solemnization went smoothly.

I swear, i just can't get myself to stop fidgeting. I just find it extremely annoying and uncomfortable. I really can't figure out how all those typical girls can stand having make up on their face for the whole day, waking up extra early every morning just for make up to look pretty. To me, putting on lipstick is enough.

Finally, after nearly 2hours of make up and getting ready, i am all set to go.

My wedding gift to the husband to be in a few minutes time.

  

While waiting for the Groom to arrive.

Officially, Legally, Husband and Wife.

Marks Our 2 Years Of Engagement

Our whole lives we’re sold “happily ever after”, time and time again.

In the movies. 

On TV. On Facebook, Twitter and even YouTube.

I’ve heard talk about Prince Charming, “The One”, my “soul mate”.I’ve been told that God is designing the PERFECT man for me. That there is ONE out there who will complete me.

And while I’ve always rolled my eyes at these concepts, I failed to realize how much they were etching their way into my thoughts and heart.

I’ve been engage with Firli for 2 years now. And I’ve known I wanted to spend my life with him. We’ve navigated the highs and lows of being engage. We’ve stumbled and struggled A LOT. We’ve had great victories and highs. We’ve cried some, laughed often, bickered more, and smiled the most. We’ve supported one another in the struggles of building our careers. We’ve each seen financial blessings at times and we’ve each been broke-as-a-joke at times. We’ve been faithfully committed to one another and held one another. We’ve wrestled conviction and repented openly to one another. We’ve praised together, we’ve struggled and sinned together. We’ve fallen in love with one another’s families, we’ve wasted days away dreaming of our own future family. We’ve worked out together, vegged out together, and rocked out together. We’ve worked through book studies with one another, spending times with each other, been beyond annoyed with one another. We’ve comforted one another, danced with one another, and respected one another. We’ve navigated through this past two years and ultimately, every day, chosen to grow in love with each other. 

But the fact of that matter is that as soon as i realize that my fiance will soon be my husband in a few days time which I promise to cherish for the REST OF MY LIFE, my human nature began to doubt. And I began to realize how much my mind and heart had been crafted by the world, rather than the Word.

You see, the world says there is a soul mate. The world says there is a Prince Charming. The world says there is a PERFECT PERSON for you out there and if you find him, you will live happily ever after. If you marry the wrong one, it’s not the end of the world, you can just divorce him and continue the hunt for the man made JUST for you. The man who will always make you happy. But if you want the least amount of hassle possible, make sure you find the perfect one the first time around.

The world says the person should be perfect for YOU. The ring should be perfect for YOU. The proposal should be perfect for YOU. The wedding should be perfect for YOU. And this TEMPORARY world will certainly praise YOU. (If you manage to host the perfect barn wedding, that is.)

Love for the sake of Allah is without a doubt the strongest type of love. This is due to the fact that love itself can only exist, as long as the reason to love exists.  The journey of navigating a lifetime promise has everything to do with Allah.

You see, my mind doubted because I was weighed down with the fear of making the wrong choice. Maybe Fiance wasn’t “The One”. How would I know for sure? There are things we disagree on. There are things about him that don’t always make me happy. It’s been a challenge, at times, loving him. And I KNOW it’s been a challenge for him to love me. Maybe we’re just compatible and I’m making the wrong decision. How do I know, for sure, that he is my soul mate?!. Especially when i have a child on my own, most importantly, how sure i am he will treat my daughter well not being his blood?!?

It is overwhelming, to me, that God would allow me–messy, baggage-carrying, selfis, broken, emotional me–to have the honor and privilege of loving and caring for my fiance, Firli. I know that the minute I believe I’m capable of selflessly and unconditionally loving F, I will fail. But it brings the sweetest joy to my heart to know that I don’t have to go at it alone. That Allah is with me. Allah is with us. And through Him, all things are possible.

I am excited about marrying Firli because he is NOT the perfect man for me. And I am NOT the perfect woman for him. But we are both committed to following the PERFECT Nabi Muhammad S.A.W.  , who showed us the perfect example of how to love.

Those Visible Stretch Mark

Was looking in the mirror, and looking at the amount of stretch mark i have all over my body, really made me feel so fuck up. None of you have any idea how hurt it is to go through pregnancy alone. To suck all my feelings up alone. I had no friends to turn to, to go out with. I spent my whole pregnancy journey feeling gloomy, alone and empty. A man who can't act like a man are just PLAIN SELFISH. No one understands my PAIN I suffered 4 years ago. However, I'm grateful, Allah was fair. Despite having morning sickness for literally 24hrs, i was able to do my daily activities normally, knowing that I'm dealing and going through it literally ALONE. Hence, do not questioned me why I messed up in the beginning of accepting someone new. Feeling UNLOVED and UNAPPRECIATED is a normal thing to me. I'm used to it. Visible scars and stretch mark can be seen on my body, but not the scars in my heart. 

Being a Solo Single Mum

It's been four years now since I’ve been on a constant emotional roller coaster. Feeling like i'm queen of the universe for potty-training my daughter in just one week, panicking at 3am, as i nurse her 39 degree fever, and even doing a happy dance after dropping her off at childcare. I'm free, I thought. Even though i am to head straight to work. Then there’s the sinking guilt of raising my daughter without her father and the exhaustion of having to do it all. Being a single mom is pretty much as tough as it’s cracked up to be, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it.

It’s a single mom’s instinct to feel like i need to do it all, but that's not realistic or rational. Despite what my seemingly perfect mom friends say or do, no one is super mom. I try to learn to ask for help and accept help. Especially being a solo single mom, like me, with no other parent to pitch in. I know that "being on" 24/7 leads to burnout, so I say yes when family members and friends offer to babysit (and repay them with gift or returning the favour to their child). In the beginning, it will be hard to loosen the reins of control, but eventually, it will feel comforting to know that help is a phone call away.

But my parent's definitely plays the most important part in supporting me and my daughter. It's through their support that i am still standing strong. I've still yet to repay their kindness. Only God knows how much they have invested their time, energy and money towards me and my daughter. 

Am I Even Asking Too Much?

When you don’t bother to look at the world from her point of view, when you fight her back on every word she says, even when she’s trying her hardest to reach a compromise.

You drive her further and further away when you laugh at her fears, when you make her feel like she’s crazy for feeling what she feels, and when you’re completely disengaged from the discussion. You let her fall when you treat her like an inferior, because she thought she saw you as equals."

So, tell me am I asking too much....?

Please Be Gentle

I'm not perfect. My words are sharp, I'm rude, I forgot who I used to be. Back then I was soft-spoken, soft-hearted.. Something made me who I am today, not becos people deserve this from me. I don't wanna be vulnerable anymore.

Please be Gentle with me while I glued all the pieces back together. All it takes is to be Gentle

Family Reunion After 22 Years

A typical family reunion is filled with joy and laughter, but for adoptees like me , a reunion is anything but typical. It’s complicated. I felt stuck between embracing my birth families and not hurting my adoptive families. I wont deny the feeling of rejection and long buried anger and bitterness towards my birth families. And what is the mother’s role in her child’s life now? She nurtured and bonded with her child during pregnancy, but now she is a stranger. For adoptees like me, reuniting with their birth families is a dream come true but it also brings another set of problems that i am not ready to face. Because of the deep emotions involved, reunions are rarely easy, but with time it is possible to forge a new and different relationship. 

What some people fail to realize is that for an adoptee, our past is actually our present.

We will always be related to our original family no matter what a an amended birth certificate leads anyone to believe.  

Whether they like it or not, past is present. Because a piece of paper doesn't eliminate relatives, as much as some people would like it to. Does it legally eliminate them as a relative? Perhaps temporarily -- on paper, it does. However they are never eradicated from our life, from our very being. They are ever present, spiritually and emotionally.

They are there.

 And there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Nonetheless, I am grateful to have finally met my birth mom and real blood sibling for the first time today after 22 years of self-questioning.

The Feeling of Being An Adoptee

Tonight, it feels crap.

I don't mean just a little crap, I mean really crap.

Dad pass me my real adoption documents and original birth cert to me. It was because i needed them to register for my marriage over at ROMM. And the feeling i had being adopted start to hit me. I realise that how real this situation is. The situation where i am an adoptee.

Sometimes, being adopted feels lucky, being a 'chosen' child, a child with two sets of parents. It is a special thing.It is really a special thing.But, today, it makes me feel a little cursed.
As an adopted child, I have always had a sense of never really belonging anywhere. A feeling of other-worldliness. A sense of transience. I lack the security of being able to look at those around me and think 'he has my nose', 'I have her eyes', 'we all look alike'. For those well-rooted in their families, tied by a common bond, that is probably a difficult concept to understand. Tonight, being adopted has made me feel too different, more isolated.

About my parents, in particular my mum who, probably, feels most acutely that I am not 'her' child, about the envy I have for those families who share a closeness, a camaraderie.

I was adopted as an infant, during a time when adoption was still shrouded in secrecy. 

My parents felt they were being "open" when they told me I was adopted, but no one helped me understand what adoption was. None of my friends were adopted, or maybe they just weren't talking about it. Adoption was a big secret but I thought about it often. I wondered if my best friend's mom might be my "real" mom. I wondered what was so wrong with me that my birth mom gave me away, and was she going to come back? I loved my family, so this idea caused great anxiety. 

Growing up, I had internalized my parents’ matter-of-fact approach to the subject, and by the time I was in secondary school, being adopted hardly seemed worth mentioning. Even so, when a classmate and I came across a book called “Why Was I Adopted?” one day during free time in the library, I said to her happily, “I’m adopted!” 

“No you’re not,” she replied. “You’re lying.”


“I really am,” I said, bursting into tears.
I started to get rebellious, especially when i notice how everyone's parent's showed their care and concern towards their child, compared to mine.
Soon, my face kept ending up sitting outside the general office. My form teacher couldn't take my rebellious anymore and decided to sent me for counselling. We used to have this teacher''s aide to help troubled students.
It took me sometime to open up, but soon, I told the teacher’s aide my feeling, my situation and within minutes I was already over it, but the aide apparently saw the chance for a teachable moment.
“Do you know why you were adopted?” she asked.
I told her it was because when I was a baby, my biological parent's might not have the needs to take care of me.
“Didn’t want to, or couldn’t?” she asked pointedly.
I was taken aback, then said I guessed it was because she couldn’t, though the distinction hardly seemed important.

Who cared if she could or couldn’t, didn’t want to or simply didn’t care? I was a bubbly, smart child who is being loved and brought up well by two of the most wonderful person on earth. I was delightful. As far as I was concerned, if this mysterious woman didn’t want me, it was her loss.

Another New Job

Went for a job interview today and got the job on the spot. Not only that, i also started the job right away. Alhamdullilah, i am so grateful. Rezeki di bulan Ramadhan. Couldn't be more happier.

Working with kids has always been my interest other than Tourism. I know kids can be a pain in the neck but there are times where they are adorable. Kids would still be kids. With such an understanding and nice boss, i hope id be able to last. I am tired of job hopping myself. 

A Better Plan

We may be a good planner, but never forget there is a much more better, perfect planner above us all. With every fail or unsuccessful plan we made, there is for sure a hidden agenda behind it. Therefore, don't be disheartened by it as something far more better has been plan for us. #latenightselfreflection

Dinner After School

Went to have late dinner with Fiance at Changi Village after school today. After a long day at work and the brain torture at school, all a person need is good food to get back all the energy we've lost.

Good Friday #staycation02

So had a long weekend since it's a Good Friday. Decided to have a Staycation with the daughter and the Fiance over at Copthrone Kings Hotel. 

We had a Superior Double Room on the 20th floor, the highest floor. Room 2020. Service was average at the counter as i had to wait for 45 minutes before i was able to check in as the room i've requested was not clean yet. The only problem i had was the housekeeping where they gave me Creamer instead of Tea and came back giving me 10pieces of Sugar with Tea. Indirect Sarcasm i would say. Super rude. 

It was near town area and there was a straight bus to Vivo City where we had our Dinner and shop a little there as everything was under one roof. 

The fare back home was also below SGD10.

Daughter had a fun time playing in the bathtub since i was too tired to bring her to the swimming pool especially with the lack of sleep. Bed was comfortable. Didn't manage to try out the Jacuzzi or the Sauna as it was time of the month. Had free breakfast yet we did not went for it as it was not Halal. Booked the Room at a price of  SGD114,6 excluding Taxes and Service Charge. Well, for a 4star hotel, it was worth it. 

Would i come again? Maybe not, but i might try staying over Copthrone Kings Waterfront Hotel along the Singapore River instead. 

I would give it a 4/5 Rating. 

Our First Prawning Session

It's the early wee hours on Sunday. Our first prawning together over at Bottle Tree Park, Yishun. I haven't had any sleep since i woke up for work yesterday. Trust me, if i choose someone over my beauty sleep, better appreciate it, cause it shows how much you mean to me. Good time spent with the Fiance although we just caught 22 prawns in 4 Hours.

My Deepest Love

Ups and downs that we been through, unbarely pain that one felt. Tears that we shed makes me love you more. After all that we've been through, i thought i did my best to be a great partner of yours. As far as i concern i know i am not. 
Thank you for staying despite number of times i have been an ass towards you. Cranky on and off, yet you still stood by me. You may be an annoying pain in the ass at times, but no one else can be as annoying as you, which drive me insane for the first time in my life. At times i do admit i feel like punching you in the face, that's shows how deep my love for you is.
I LOVE YOU.

Being Grateful

Today a pretty, young girl walk passed me and she was communicating using sign language. Maybe God has something better for her we dont know, but at that moment I felt really grateful for everything that the Almighty has given me. Grateful for the simple things in life like the ability to talk and hear. Appreciate the little gifts of the Almighty that are generally taken for granted.

" How often we (including myself) really take the time to reflect on the blessings (ni’mah) that Allah (SWT) has bestowed upon us? Living in a metropolitan cities like Singapore can sometimes desensitize us, and we become oblivious to the countless blessings and favors of Allah in our lives. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) gave us a formula for achieving contentment. 
Don’t always look at the rich people who are above you.  Don’t look at how much money, how many houses, cars, etc. they have, (although in reality they have their own challenges!). Don’t compare yourself with those above you in wealth and dunya. Rather look at the people who have less than you. Think about the more than 840 million people around the world who continue to struggle with hunger every day!
Now take a moment to reflect on the meal(s) that you had today. Did you say “Alhamdulillah!” and wholeheartedly thank your Lord who gave you food to eat today? Did you follow up your verbal utterance of “Alhamdulillah” with actions that are pleasing to your Lord?  Indeed one of our Shuyukh reminded us once while lecturing on the topic of shukr that, “being thankful to Allah means to use the blessings that Allah gave you in a manner which is pleasing to Him.” If Allah gave you wealth, then spend some of it in the cause of Allah. Support the deen, needy people, and build masajids, schools, hospitals, etc. If Allah gave you health, then worship him while you are healthy and have full strength in your body. Pray your salah/namaz regularly, read the Qur’an, fast voluntarily, and wake up for tahajjud (the night vigil prayer). There is a beautiful saying that I once read,“The graves are full of people who thought that they would practice Islam when they became old. Old age is not promised to anyone.”
So take a moment to reflect on what I’m reminding us of my dear brothers and sisters.
No matter what your age is, think about how you’ve spent your life so far. Was it in obedience to Allah? In doing good deeds and fulfilling your duties/obligations towards your Lord? Or did you spend it in sin and disobedience? 
Ask yourself about your wealth - how did you acquire it/how are you acquiring it? Was it from that which is Halal or from that which is Haram? So many Muslims nowadays earn their income from Haram means – from working in banks and dealing with interest/riba to cheating in business. And at the end of the day, they buy “Halal meat”: with that income. How ironic! Dear brothers/sisters, know that the haram money that you earn and use it towards to buy halal food or clothes becomes haram on you to consume/wear! 
Ask yourself how am I really spending my wealth? Did you give zakat? Did you fulfill the rights of others - your family, the needy, and the orphans? Or did you squander it all on yourself in enjoyment of this temporal worldly life?
Ask yourself about your knowledge – did you acquire religious knowledge? Did you learn your fard-ul-ayn? -- That which is a personal obligation on you, such as, knowing your Lord and his messenger (your Aqeedah), your Fiqh – from taharah (purification) to (mu’amalaat) business transactions, and your Qur’an recitation – to properly recite it with the rules of Tajweed.
Ask yourself – what kind of knowledge am I acquiring? How am I acquiring it? How much of it am I acting upon?
Did you acquire knowledge to please Allah or to show off?  Or did you spend your life seeking only knowledge of this dunya while neglecting your akhirat? Turn to your lord repentance and thankfulness before it’s too late, and you become a number in the grave! "

- Quote Taken from Tumbler

Be thankful!

Conversation On Her Water Activities

As informed by the teacher, she has water activities in school today. So, as a curious mom, i've decided to take a video and asked what she did in school today.

Everyone's Different

Dear Princess,

Please know, that everyone in this world is different. Just like in school, when it's time to go home, Nenek will always be the one fetching you. Some of your friends will have either their mom, dad, sister, brother, uncles, aunties and some even have their maids to fetch them home.
As you grow older, you'll see, some of your friends staying in a condo, some living in a 5 rooms, some in a four room, some in a three room, some in a two rooms and some in only a one room hdb flat.
And as you begin to understand life, you'll see that some has no parent's and will either be staying with their relatives or grandparents, you'll also see how some of your friends either living with just their mom's or dad's as either on has passed away,  or even divorce. The point is, everyone's different my girl. Just like how some have short hair, or long hair, some are tall and some are short. Just to make everything simple. Because you are different, everyone is different. You might not have a father, but you are still breathing and alive. I'll ensure i'll give you all the attention and time needed. People are going to talk, and i know i'll be the one to blame as you grow older. But know this, i love you , and i always will. I'll never hurt you and i will not let a man hurt you either, giving you false hope of being your father because i let that man in to my life, our life and to give you that hope. I am sorry my girl. But i'll ensure, that you'll never be hurt.

ILOVEYOUPUTERINURZERINA

That One Teardrop

When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn’t do a damn thing to fix anything.

One Month Down

Well, today marks one month of our engagement. Relationships take a lot of work and little fights every now and then shouldn’t be a reason to break up. you have to work through the hard times and it may not always be easy, but as long as you think that your significant other is worth it, then just take it one step at a time. you will work it out.

Comes To A Point

There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just mean you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.

That Feeling

It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness. I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling — that really hollowed-out feeling.

Heartbreak

Everyone at some point in their life is going to experience it. And you know what? It's probably one of the most painful things a person has to go through. I'm not going to lie. When you get your heart broken, it feels like it shattered into million pieces. It's like that person you were head over heels for stomped mercilessly  on your heart. It feels like your heart is being shredded to pieces, cut up and thrown in the trash left to rot. It hurts a lot emotionally and physically. Getting your heart broken makes your heart physically hurt. Ypu cry and cry wish it wasn't like this. You wish it was just a temporary nightmare. But, the sad truth? It's not. It's reality. And you're going to have to accept it, the pain and all.

Dealing With Each Other

Couples learn to deal with each other. Even if they annoy each other, make fun of each other, and even go through some rough times with each other, but in the end you learn to like each other through those. It's not everyday where you can tell someone you love them and you'll do anything just to be with them. Some days you'll fight over little things and you'll realize that you've made a mistake and go back to them and pretending that nothing ever happen between the two of you. We all have that one person we want to be with and just love, and there'll always be that one person that captures our fall, and there'll be a person who will stay with you even with your flaws.

Bitter Truth That Can't Be Avoided

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

Playground Date

Thank you for travelling all the way from Toa Payoh to Woodlands just to accompany me and Puteri over to the playground located just around our area.
I appreciate how you never fail to treat Puteri well just like your own. I just can't stop smiling each time i see the two of you play and have fun with each other. How Puteri looks at you and be happy with you just melts my heart. Since young, she never had the love from a father. The moment you came into my life, not only you accepted me with all my flaws, but you accepted my daughter too. You can never imagine the happiness i'm feeling deep down each time you and Puteri laugh and play with each other. I know you want to be a good role model as a father towards her, and i know you are also slowly learning to become a good parent. It might take times, but i know you will be able to do so. Thank You my love. This is the reasons why i just can't stop loving you more and more each day.

Officially Engaged

Today, a new chapter begins in this whole new journey of our relationship. It 's never going to be easy, but i'm sure with support from each other, everything will turn out fine. In Sha Allah.

A Day Left Till We're Officially Engage

Love isn’t about luxurious things in the world. It isn’t about driving a Ferrari , nor living in Paris. It isn't about the needs to have a good looking partner. Love is about that someday, you two will be able to reach your dreams, helping out each other. Love is about trust, even if everything falters. Love is about giving without expecting anything. Love is about sharing happiness and pain as well. Love is about accepting that person even if others can’t. Love is about holding on, even when all else fail.

p.s; A day left till we are officially engage. Feeling extremely sexcited.

I'd Only Be Unhappy If We Aren't Together

Sure we fight and i get sad sometimes but this relstionship is still the best thing in my life. I'm happy because of you and despite our arguments, i'd only be unhappy if we weren't together.

The Introduction

Went to Haziq's birthday chalet today over at Downtown East. It has been awhile since mum side had organize a family chalet. Only Wak Enab and Cik Omar family was there.

Today chalet was not only about celebrating Haziq's birthday. Today was also the day where I introduced Firly to my closest cousins. Coming from someone who rarely brings my other half along during family gathering, it is definitely something that my cousin was looking forward to. Nevertheless, i was glad everything went well and all my cousin had positive remarks about him. Now that the news has spread. I am looking forward for our mini engagement day.

The Worst Type Of Crying

Is when your lips starts to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. You're bemt overor crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurts too much to hold it in so you let out a yelp and a cry than comes the loss of breath which sucks because not only you're crying out loud but you also think you sound dumb for not breathing too. It's just a mess.

Self Reminder #001

The only reason Allah (swt) is putting me through the test is because he knows that with a little determination, i can get through it. Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it has the strength to bear. So if Allah (subanahu wa ta’ala) believes in me, how can i not believe in myself?

Depression

There's always been a malay proverb,
'' Berani kerana benar, takut kerana salah. ''
Whereby you shouldn't be afraid of anything, even if nothing positive seems to be going your way. Because if you knows you're right, Allah will always help you and ensure everything goes smoothly. Even if it seems to be taking a much longer period of time than expected.
Unless, you know you've done wrong and doesn't admit it, that's when you should fear. Not fear of others, but fear towards Allah. On top of that, you'll suffer and be trapped inside your own fear which will eventually eat you up slowly from inside.
Therefore, always remember that the truth always prevails. No matter how you lie, truth will eventually find their way out to the top. No matter how far you run, or how you try to escape, truth will always win the battle.
Bak kata perpatah, '' Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua ''

Today i learn alot from my mum about the true meaning of this two proverb and i appretiate it alot.
I know i've made my mistakes, but with the truth out now, i've nothing to fear. I felt relieve.
I learnt from my mistakes and i strive to be a better person.

Another Life Lesson

There's always been a malay proverb,
'' Berani kerana benar, takut kerana salah. ''
Whereby you shouldn't be afraid of anything, even if nothing positive seems to be going your way. Because if you knows you're right, Allah will always help you and ensure everything goes smoothly. Even if it seems to be taking a much longer period of time than expected.
Unless, you know you've done wrong and doesn't admit it, that's when you should fear. Not fear of others, but fear towards Allah. On top of that, you'll suffer and be trapped inside your own fear which will eventually eat you up slowly from inside.
Therefore, always remember that the truth always prevails. No matter how you lie, truth will eventually find their way out to the top. No matter how far you run, or how you try to escape, truth will always win the battle.
Bak kata perpatah, '' Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua ''

Today i learn alot from my mum about the true meaning of this two proverb and i appretiate it alot.
I know i've made my mistakes, but with the truth out now, i've nothing to fear. I felt relieve.
I learnt from my mistakes and i strive to be a better person.

Reality

All teenagers knew this was true. The process of growing up was nothing more than figuring out what doors hadn’t yet been slammed in your face. For years, parents tell you that you can be anything, have anything, do anything. That was why she’d been so eager to grow up-until she got to adolescence and hit a big fat wall ofreality. As it turned out, she couldn’t have anything she wanted. You didn’t get to be pretty or smart or popular just because you wanted it. You didn’t control your own destiny, you were too busy trying to fit in.

- Jodi Picolut

Reality

All teenagers knew this was true. The process of growing up was nothing more than figuring out what doors hadn’t yet been slammed in your face. For years, parents tell you that you can be anything, have anything, do anything. That was why she’d been so eager to grow up-until she got to adolescence and hit a big fat wall ofreality. As it turned out, she couldn’t have anything she wanted. You didn’t get to be pretty or smart or popular just because you wanted it. You didn’t control your own destiny, you were too busy trying to fit in.

- Jodi Picolut

Mirror

You know the moments when you look in the mirror and you think shit that’s me because for some reason it feels like the person you’re looking at in the mirror is an unfamiliar stranger and you begin thinking about how you’re a person on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe and for a few minutes you ponder the origin and the meaning of existence and then shrug and return to your computer.

Late Night Thoughts

It always gets worst at night. When Puteri is fast asleep but i'm here lying on my bed wide awake. I start to realize how alone i really am. Literally and metaphorically. It's always lonely at night. When there's no one to talk to, no one to save you from yourself.

Social Media #relationship001

#relationship001
Don't be afraid of making your relationship directly noticeable on social media. A loving status might anger some of the friends that's on your list, but it will give your partner a reason to smile from ear to ear for the next few days.

A Thing I Learnt Today

This morning, I had a rough start to the day. It totally brought down my mood, and I was cranky all day. I was sitting at the table eating with my mom, and I was rather rude to her. I tried to excuse my behavior by saying, “Oh, I’m having a bad day, I have a right to be cranky, God will understand”

But then I felt as though someone just slapped me in the back of my head, saying,how dare you try to say God will  understand your rudeness. There is no excuse for being disrespectful.

So I took a deep breath. Counted to 10 in my head. And I changed my mood. I totally went from being a cranky crab to positive and laid back Majede. It was insane even I couldn’t believe that within 10 seconds I managed to turn my mood 360 degrees.

I kissed my mom and got her another cup of coffee and she tried to hide it but by the look in her eyes she was just as shocked as I was.

Moral of the story that i learn today : you have control over what you want to feel. Sometimes we all feel the need to be sad or angry because we want people to feel sorry for us so maybe, just maybe they’ll care. But reality is, all you’re doing is rubbing off your negative energy onto them. If you want them to care, give them a reason to. Next time you’re in a bad mood and notice you’re putting everyone else in a bad mood, tell yourself feeling this way won’t make you and anyone around you happier. Count to 10, and for the sake of Allah,change your attitude. It’ll be hard, but it’s the best way to be able to pick yourself up and move along in life.

Putting What I Want On Hold

So, i decided to quit my Private A-levels. And i am stuck on a one year contract as a Part Timer at my current job. Now getting only half of my salary that i used to received. Guess, now i've to admit defeat and ask for my parents support till i finally manage to get a proper job with an acceptable pay.
I'll now have to put my education aside on hold first. But i will ensure that i'll find a way to achieve what i want. It is not the end.

Let Our Scars Fall In Love

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.

Worst At Night

It always gets worst at night. When Puteri is fast asleep but i'm here lying on my bed wide awake. I start to realize how alone i really am. Literally and metaphorically. It's always lonely at night. When there's no one to talk to, no one to save you from yourself.

Princess First Day Of Pre-School

Today, Puteri embarks her brand new journey in her education life as a Pre Nursery(N1) student at Woodlands Kindercare at Blk 824. I was happy and excited for her as she explore and learn. I was obviously quite reluctant to leave her alone and if possible, i would just like to stand outside her school and watch her through her glas window. Fiance Firly and Mum sent this little pretty Princess of mine to school together. She didn't cry, yet, i know, she's going to wonder and question where did her family went to.
Reached home quite late and she was already asleep. Too tired from school. Can't wait for to talk to her whe she wakes up tomorrow morning as she embarks her second day in school tomorrow.

You know those days when you feel like your world is crashing down on you? And you’re all alone and you have no one there to help you pick up the pieces? And different ways of committing suicide are running through your head?Today is one of those days.

Finally, Book Out.

Well, see this boy here. It's his first booked out from camp today. Waited for him for nearly an hour at PasirRis Macd just to fetch him from camp. I can see that he has lose quite some weight after being 'totured' in camp for two weeks. I'm happy that i get to meet him today since life without him is totally different. I guess i am soo used to the fact of having him around me wherever i go. Every place i went to or pass by, i can't deny that it just kept reminding me of him. I do miss him. But sometimes, somethings are just not meant to be. We might not be couples anymore, but he'll always be the one that i'm closest with. He is the dad to my child after all. 

To Treausre

Maybe it's true we don't know what we have until we've lost it. But, maybe it's also true that we don't know what we're missing until we find it. That is just how my life is at this current moment. The feeling that can't be describe. One just have to treasure all the little things in life. This world is only temporary. This Dunia doesn't belong to us. Kita hanya meminjam. Money can be earn and find. But happiness, your good deeds are what that are most important.

I like a person who pays attention to the smallest details. It's cute when they know the little things you like, hate and small random facts about you. It's nice if they don't just pay attention to the big things and actually know you. It's such a surprise to hear them when they know something about you that you didn't even know that they knew.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

Keep Your Head Held High

I think everyone, at some point, goes through that one moment where they think "my God, I can't do this." but you know what? you can. no matter how close you are to the edge, no matter how badly you feel like giving up, or think it's best to do so rather than have to put up with the pain - don't. don't lose hope that things will get better. don't give up, because there is someone out there who will make you smile in a way no one else ever could. keep that glimmer of hope alive in your heart, because someone is out there searching for your smile. so wipe your tears and keep your head held high.