Those Visible Stretch Mark

Was looking in the mirror, and looking at the amount of stretch mark i have all over my body, really made me feel so fuck up. None of you have any idea how hurt it is to go through pregnancy alone. To suck all my feelings up alone. I had no friends to turn to, to go out with. I spent my whole pregnancy journey feeling gloomy, alone and empty. A man who can't act like a man are just PLAIN SELFISH. No one understands my PAIN I suffered 4 years ago. However, I'm grateful, Allah was fair. Despite having morning sickness for literally 24hrs, i was able to do my daily activities normally, knowing that I'm dealing and going through it literally ALONE. Hence, do not questioned me why I messed up in the beginning of accepting someone new. Feeling UNLOVED and UNAPPRECIATED is a normal thing to me. I'm used to it. Visible scars and stretch mark can be seen on my body, but not the scars in my heart. 

Being a Solo Single Mum

It's been four years now since I’ve been on a constant emotional roller coaster. Feeling like i'm queen of the universe for potty-training my daughter in just one week, panicking at 3am, as i nurse her 39 degree fever, and even doing a happy dance after dropping her off at childcare. I'm free, I thought. Even though i am to head straight to work. Then there’s the sinking guilt of raising my daughter without her father and the exhaustion of having to do it all. Being a single mom is pretty much as tough as it’s cracked up to be, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it.

It’s a single mom’s instinct to feel like i need to do it all, but that's not realistic or rational. Despite what my seemingly perfect mom friends say or do, no one is super mom. I try to learn to ask for help and accept help. Especially being a solo single mom, like me, with no other parent to pitch in. I know that "being on" 24/7 leads to burnout, so I say yes when family members and friends offer to babysit (and repay them with gift or returning the favour to their child). In the beginning, it will be hard to loosen the reins of control, but eventually, it will feel comforting to know that help is a phone call away.

But my parent's definitely plays the most important part in supporting me and my daughter. It's through their support that i am still standing strong. I've still yet to repay their kindness. Only God knows how much they have invested their time, energy and money towards me and my daughter.