You know those days when you feel like your world is crashing down on you? And you’re all alone and you have no one there to help you pick up the pieces? And different ways of committing suicide are running through your head?Today is one of those days.

Finally, Book Out.

Well, see this boy here. It's his first booked out from camp today. Waited for him for nearly an hour at PasirRis Macd just to fetch him from camp. I can see that he has lose quite some weight after being 'totured' in camp for two weeks. I'm happy that i get to meet him today since life without him is totally different. I guess i am soo used to the fact of having him around me wherever i go. Every place i went to or pass by, i can't deny that it just kept reminding me of him. I do miss him. But sometimes, somethings are just not meant to be. We might not be couples anymore, but he'll always be the one that i'm closest with. He is the dad to my child after all. 

To Treausre

Maybe it's true we don't know what we have until we've lost it. But, maybe it's also true that we don't know what we're missing until we find it. That is just how my life is at this current moment. The feeling that can't be describe. One just have to treasure all the little things in life. This world is only temporary. This Dunia doesn't belong to us. Kita hanya meminjam. Money can be earn and find. But happiness, your good deeds are what that are most important.

I like a person who pays attention to the smallest details. It's cute when they know the little things you like, hate and small random facts about you. It's nice if they don't just pay attention to the big things and actually know you. It's such a surprise to hear them when they know something about you that you didn't even know that they knew.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

Keep Your Head Held High

I think everyone, at some point, goes through that one moment where they think "my God, I can't do this." but you know what? you can. no matter how close you are to the edge, no matter how badly you feel like giving up, or think it's best to do so rather than have to put up with the pain - don't. don't lose hope that things will get better. don't give up, because there is someone out there who will make you smile in a way no one else ever could. keep that glimmer of hope alive in your heart, because someone is out there searching for your smile. so wipe your tears and keep your head held high. 

Intellectual Conversations

I came to realise that being an only child, I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life. That is just how i am.

You gradually get over the pain. It doesn’t go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he’s not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you’ve made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don’t see them, you don’t hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name… and the memories come flooding back.

Please help me stay on the straight path because I catch myself slipping. Please remind me over and over that this dunya is temporary and that out of the 6 billion people in this world there should be none that I should be trying to impress because the only one worth pleasing is you. Please protect me against shaytan. Please help my friends and I will try helping them by giving my knowledge about Islam. Please keep superficiality, materialism, ego/pride, backbiting, sex, and shallowness out of my mind, heart, and soul. I regret any moment of my life that has passed where I haven’t remembered you and I I’ll try my best from now on to not forget you. Ameen.

Do you ever stop and realize that people probably discuss you from time to time when you aren’t around to witness it

not even in a specifically positive or negative way just like

people mention you, or think of you, you occur to people sometimes

that’s the most unnerving thing that I can think of. that’s so weird that I exist to people when I’m not even interacting with them

A Child's Presence

Life. I wonder if anyone ever had those feelings where they just want to give up everything in life. Where nothing meant to you anymore. Feels as if you're not important or the people around you ain't important anymore. Just trying not to care or give a single fuck. Yeap. That's what I am definitely feeling now. I don't know what to even think of anymore. It have been such an emotional week.

And that is where Princess comes in. I realise, I do have something important to care about. Someone important. And also how important I am. My daughter. The one who makes me strong, enduring all the challenges and obstacle in this cruel world. I don't know what i'd do if i don't have a daughter. She is the only person who can make me smile. One can have a shitty day at work or school or just life with the people around you giving you lots of trouble, but the moment you look at your child, everything change. Automatically all those negative thought will disappear, That is how powerful a child presence is. Having a child changes one perspective point of view in life. Nothing matter except for your child. You for your child and ensuring they don't have to go through the same miserable life situation as yours.

I'm scared to tell anyone what i'm going through. I'm scared of telling them how i spend hours crying because i feel so alone, how i feel so lost and empty inside, how i no longer have any aspirations or see a future for myself, how their hurtful words eat ,e inside, how i hate myself for not having the courage to stand up for myself, how i can no longer feel emotions. I feel dead, i feel numb and bitter and dark on the inside. I don't want sympathy, i want your help. I'm scared you will judge me and ignore me and think. I'm mad and you'll leave me too. I'm afraid to tell you because it's engulfed me so much. I'm in this whirlpool of self-hate and depression which has sucked me in and prevents me from reaching out. It's stopping me from opening my mouth and telling anyone. So, please, help me because i don't want to carry on like this anymore.

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of wishing I could start all over. I’m tired of not being able to just let go. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of always wondering when I will finally let myself be happy. Most of all, I’m just tired of being tired.